Self destruct sequence

There are no cheating consequences, Eventually everything catches up to us.
We may get around them for awhile but they find us and usually put us in a
situation worse than if we just faced the music in the first place.
It's funny how life works out, we're set in motion from birth and every
moment we are faced with decisions which decide the next direction we take.
There are so many different scenarios for every situation and sometimes we
don't pick the right one. Which in turn leaves us with a smudge or a
mistake in our past. We often think about all the other possible ways of
going about such an event and they all run through our brain. Sometimes
we feel regret and sometimes we have no remorse. But although some of these
things we wish we could change or go about differently, changing them
would change the entire course that we took after these so called mistakes.
Like I said; every moment decides what our next direction is, so fixing a
moment would chamge the direction we took and this would change the destination,
the next moment we come to, and so on and so on which then would change
the person we are today. Look in the mirror. Do you really wish to do so?
We're strong, we're smarter, we made it through some torturous weather,
we're more confident and yes probally more insecure and shy but just know
there is a reason for such attributes we posess. Every scar, every wrinkle,
and every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears our bodies have expierienced are
monuments of courage or cowardliness or naivety or insecurity or whatever
you see when you look at yourself or think back to the inner battles of
your past. But just know there is nothing to be ashamed of becaue you learned
from it all whether it left you bruised or broken or so sick or mad at
yourself. You are here. You are you. Regrets are worthless.

Life is a funny thing. And it just keeps getting weirder. I just keep assuming that things are going the way they are for me because the world has something in store for me that will be worth this journey.

Hello Lj land.
I haven't updated in a while so I'll share what's going on in my life.
Basically.
school started last week. so far so good. My german class is awesome, or should I say fantastich gut! I love it. My teacher is a hoot. Math, eh. I hate Math so NOTHING about that class excites me. I still need to get my books though. Paperwork is taking way to long to go through. Besides that I haven't been doing much. I've been pulled over twice in the last week, but no tickets so that is good. I'm supposed to go over Jay's tomorrow night and help clean his apartment of doom and possibly help him pack a few things up. He doesn't have to leave his apartment until the 31st but he has so much crap that it's going to take that long. Also, knowing him he'll wait to the last minute without my help and it will just be a disaster. Not to mention that apartment hasn't actually been seriously cleaned since he moved in and that was like 2 years ago. It's never been moped or anything so I'm afraid of what's lerking behind the furniture. I'm going to have to get my hazmat suit on and go to town.
Speaking of cleaning, i need to really get to work on my own living quarters. My room is kind of a disaster.. and it's all clothes. I need more space to put things. I have 3 huge laundry baskets full of clean clothes plus my two dressers and closet. I still somehow never have anything to wear though. lol. i need to figure out something soon or I'm not going to be able to see my floor soon.
I've been racking my brain for the last couple of hours trying to come up with some designs for t-shirts and what not but I'm coming up empty. I actually shouldn't say that because I have a ton of ideas, but for some reason when I draw them they come out wrong. I hate that.
I was actually in the mood to paint today and Clint has all the painting supplies so I couldn't. hopefully the next time I'm feeling creative I'll be at his house. I also need to get my dreadfalls back from Rin so I can finish them. I've neglected them for too long and I really want to wear them soon.
I wish there were more hours in a day or more days in the week. Maybe then I could get done half of the things I need to.
I'm going to end this here since I'm rambling and it's 5:30 am and I haven't slept yet. I'll try to update more.
Gute Nact.

i can't believe how fast this year is flying by. I start school in 10 days, and I'm absolutely not ready. ugh.

I am overwhelmed.

I am having one of those days where you feel like you could cry at any moment, even though you aren't sad.

As much as I want to explain, spill my heart in a flurry of paragraphs & run-on sentences, something tells me it's better to keep it inside. Sometimes sadness that's undeterminded, blurred around the edges, is better left contained.

I need a new obsession...

Why is it that I suddenly get a really creative idea right before I go to sleep? It never fails...

I absolutely cannot wait to take my CNA test so I can get a job. I really need to move out! Don't get me wrong though, my parents are great, it's my brother and sister I cannot put up with any longer. My sister constantly takes my shit and leaves it places. Plus she's a mega-bitch. You cannot have a conversation with her without her being a jerk. It's kind of rediculous. And as for my brother, he just got his license so he begs me to use my car or he'll take it when I'm asleep. Then he gets all pissy when I don't let him use it. Sorry, but that's MY car. I really don't feel like having to worry about it or have him run all my gas out.
AHHHH! 2 weeks.
Anyways if you're wondering, my life lately is wonderful.
I've been spending a lot of time with my family doing various outdoor activites, and I've gotten a little tan going on and i'm pretty excited about it.
Amber and I still aren't talking and I'm ok with that.
I don't think I'm still going to dude, where's my tent anymore. People are unreliable. I'm no longer inviting anyone to go anywhere with me because they always bail at the last minute. However, I will be going Cedar Point sometime soon and Put-In-Bay as soon as Heather turns 21. I'm pretty excited to go there since I've never been. I also need to plan a day at the zoo and a day for tubing/knee boarding. Oh boy I love summer weather.

These last couple of days have been supreme suck. I've had a really bad cold since friday night, and today I'm finally feeling better. I think I probably slept for 60 hours this entire weekend.
Saturday I took Benny to the vet and he's doing way better! The vet said that it's more than likely not seizures and it was probably just a bacteria infection of some sort. She gave him some antibiotics and told us to just keep a close eye on him. He's back to himself now. I'm so relieved.
Sunday I did absolutly nothing because I couldn't even get out of bed.
Yesterday (Monday) Brandon and I were supposed to go to the junk yard to try to find a window for my car but decided to put it off until today because it was about to rain. Later in the evening I ended up going to necto, with Jeremy and Amanda. Lot's of fun was had, even though I just kind of wamdered around. I didn't feel like dancing or anything so I just kicked it in the drum and bass room and got crunk.
Today Brandon and I set out to some Junk yards to try to find a window but we had no luck. They had tons of grand-ams, but they were all older models so they wouldn't work. The one that we seen that would have worked didn't have a drivers window. I'm going to have to go the more expensive route and get one made. *sigh* Luckily Brandon Parker is my hero and he's going to install i won't have to pay installation fees which is a plus.
Tonight I'm going to be going downtown and watching the wings game. Hopefully we win!
I've been thinking about trying to put a camping trip together for a while, since it's finally getting warm enough and I came across this today and it seems like it would be a lot of fun. Its like a demf but with tents. If you want to go let me know.

DUDE WHERE'S MY TENT?
Hosted By:
DIRTY BEATZ PRODUCTIONS & FLIPSIDE ENTERTAINMENT

When:
Jul 17, 18, 19, 2009 12:00 PM

Where:
Willow's Ranch
95 60th st
Lacota, MI
49056


Dirty Beatz Productions and Flipside Entertainment have teamed up to bring you the party of the summer. You dont want to miss this!!! Dude Where's My Tent Camp Out Party! July 17-18-19, 2009 Gate opens at noon on friday and Music starts at 3 PM 2 stages, 60 DJ's and 3 days of peace, love and filthy Beatz.

FREE CAMPING, FREE SHOWERS, ALSO FOOD AND OTHER AMENITIES WILL BE AVAILABLE ON SITE. This is a LEAVE NO TRACE event! Please pack out what you pack in.... You can BYOB, but absolutely NO GLASS, NO DRUGS, NO ANIMALS, NO WEAPONS, and NO BAD VIBES. Feel free to camp out at this event especially if you are drinking.. P.L.U.R and R.O.A.R will be in full effect.

Tickets Available Locally: Please send a message to the Dirty Beatz Productions myspace page and we will set you up with one of our local distributors. Online WWW.THEFLIPSIDEENTERTAINMENT.COM Early Bird Tickets: $20 Until June 16th. Pre Sale Tickets: $25 June 17th - July 16th. At the Gate: $30

That dog is seriously the love of my life. I don't think any one thing means more to me than he does. when he's happy I'm happy, and when he's in pain I feel it and right now we're both in a lot of pain. He's only 6 years old and he has a ton of problems. He has pretty bad allergies in the spring and fall. He's extremly allergic to fleas and get's them almost seasonally even though we keep him on medication to prevent it. he has a cataract forming on his left eye that he's had since he was 1 or 2. He gets ear infections constantly and has a sensitive stomach so if you give him the wrong thing he will throw up. Those are all pretty normal things that we've gotten used to over the years but for the last 2 nights he's been acting very strange. Every now and then he will mope around and act like he's sick, but he usually snaps out of it withing a couple hours. now it's been 2 days and he's showing no sign of getting any better. He's restless and keeps me up at night. His facial muscles start having spasms randomly and if you go to pet him on the head he twitches almost like the way someone with tourettes has a tick. I'm thinking he might be having mini seizures. He's also been hacking occasionally and it's pretty scary to hear. He's really depressed. you can tell he's in pain.
I honestly don't know what to do. We just took him to the vet and the vet gave him anitbiotics about a week ago. I'm about to take him again in about an hour but I'm really scared because I have a bad feeling that it's going to be something too serious or too late to get any kind of treatment. plus I really cannot afford to have a major surgery and what not so he would have to be put down. He's only 6 and i'm selfish so I don't want to let him go, but I cannot and will not sit around and watch him suffer if it's someting bad. I hope that I'm just over reacting though and that it's really nothing.
I really need to stop worrying.. I have a million things to do today and haven't been to sleep yet. ugh. First on the list is to get my windows replaced since last weekend some asshole kids decided to smash it out while it was parked in front of my house. Seriously who does that? For no reason at all? ugh.

ok goodbye LJ land.

DEMF was a success. It was worth the $50. I met a lot of cool people. I finally just got around to uploading my pics and I have a ton but I don't feel like posting them all right now. maybe later.

This morning I got a phone call from my mom saying that there was a shooting at my school and that classes were cancelled. I don't have campus classes this semester but I was still shocked. 2 people were found dead, one of them being the shooter. He shot a 20 year girl and then shot himself. It's crazy stuff. Luckily no one else was hurt.

Also this morning I went outside of Clints house to smoke and there were two ducks hanging out in the pond, enjoying themselves. The didn't mind at all that I was out there so I took some pictures of them. The same ducks came back a few minutes ago while I was out there again. I guess they come all throughout the spring.

Quak! Quak!


Hopefully it will be nice and sunny tomorrow because Clint and I plan on taking some pictures and he's going to show me how to use his complicated camera.

Does anyone know whether or not they are demolishing the abandoned train station in Detroit?
I heard something about it.
I would like to get out there sometime soon to take some pictures, only this time during the day.

I had an entry all typed out and accidently deleted it and for some reason it didn't save. I don't feel like retyping it, so I will leave you with this... I want to fly kites.

so my birthday is just around the corner, and I'm starting to feel old already. I'm only going to be 21. but I guess I'm just not where I thought I would be.
I don't want to wake up when I'm 45 and think of all the things I wish I did when I was young.
I need to start living life, and get rolling on the things I want to do.



Anywhoo, who is coming out for my birthday? It's going to be a good time!

so this weekend was pretty eventful. It was crunktastic.
Friday Amber came over and we worked on some dreads but I really didn't get anywhere with that. I finished about 30 more and that was it. We went and bought a steamer to seal them better and it didn't really work out too well. After that we went to city with Rin and Dave. Good times were had.
Saturday I ended up going over to Jeremy, Marshal and Adam's. We played waterfall with Amber, Allie, Shelby and Chris. It was a lot of fun. I love that game haha.
Sunday was a lazy day. I woke up super early for somet reason and went to breakfast with Clint before going to get my mom from the airport. After that I kind of just slept the entire day.
Now it's Monday and I still have a weeks worth of homework that is due in less than 12 hours and I have class at 7. I shouldn't be procrastinating because there's so much but I keep finding more "important" things to do. I've managed to do all of my laundry, clean the house, and now I'm gonna go clean my room and then I'll do my homework.haha

I'm thinking about going to Cleveland to see Hanzel und Gretyl and columbine on friday but that more than likely won't happen. I really don't like driving, and if I went I would moer than likely be going alone since no one really seems like they want to come.
However I do plan on going there in April to see Goatwhore/Amon Amarath. I don't care if I have to go alone. Goatwhore is one of my favorite bands and I absolutely love seeing them.

project Amber's dreadfalls is underway. wish me luck. I have sooo much hair to work with. It's probably going to take me like 3 days.

oh the things I do for friends...

I hate getting woke up especially by my phone and especially when I didn't fall asleep til about 9 am and got woken up at 2. i'm going to be a crank ass all day now. I wake up when I WANT TO not when a million other people want me to.

This is the result:




I am not a happy camper!


Anyways, now that I'm actually up before 6pm I guess I should be productive and get started on that laundry. My dog is in dier need of attention as well because he's been moping around the house all day waiting for me to wake up. Maybe I'll take him for a walk? we could both use the exercise.

HA! I just didn't think I would be doing it this much. seriously 3 posts in less than 2 days??? whoa!!!
Anyways I still haven't been to sleep. I'm on a massive sugar rush. I drank a whole pot of coffee before 7 am.
I managed to reformat my computer but I lost everything. *sigh* I seriously had so much crap on this thing. What I will miss the most are my pictures. I had almost a whole years worth. Oh well maybe that will inspire me to take more. I have some pretty cool photo ideas. I just want it to get warm out already so I can go to random spots outdoors and have fun. Seriously winter, go the fuck away.
I am in the mood to do something creative today, just not sure what. I might work on my chest piece. I've managed to pretty much clean my whole house already. I still have a mountain of laundry that should get done today but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it.
I also took my mom to the airport. She's going to Florida for a couple of days and I am turning green with envy just thinking about it. This brings me back to how much I despise winter. ugh!
I should be filling out a resume right now so I can get a new job but I can't bring myself to do that either.

well I guess thats all I've got

I tried to die my hair blue today but it didn't hold. :( I really wanteed blue hair too. Oh well I all new make-up and so I'm a happy girl. I also got to hang out with Amber for the first time in a while. I've missed her so.

hmm so I decided that I really need a vacation. I have a never ending craving for adventure that needs to be filled.

Also, I really need to get cracking on these dread falls sets. I have one pair in the works right now but I ran out of hair so it's half way done. I need to order some more.

lately thats how life has been. things just suck.

I keep saying I'm going to write in this more and never do. I just don't have anything nice to write about anymore...

So I started school again today and I just have to say that I already feel like my head is going to fall off.

This is what my week consists of:

Monday CNA Class 9-3:30, Math 7-9pm
Tuesday CNA Class 9-3:30
Wedsday CNA Class 9-3:30 Math 7-9pm
Thursday CNA Class 9-3:30 Work 4-10pm
Friday CNA Class 9-3:30 work 4-10pm
Saturday Work 2-10 (there goes my day :/)
Sunday- MENTAL HEALTH DAY!

Just throw some online classes in there and that's my week.
yay fun stuff.

I also have to get my books this week which is going to suck because everyone else is going to be getting their books at the same time.

I really need to start cracking down on my classes though, last semester wasn't such a good turnout for me.

Well, that's all I have. It's 430am, I'm absolutely exhausted but I cannot sleep for some reason.