Self destruct sequence

So far 2010 has been good to me.
I got a new job, started new classes, and have a better more positive attitude I think.
Within the next couple of weeks I am going to join a gym and I think that will only make things better. Got to love those endorphins!
I also plan on getting a haircut. I cannot take it anymore!
The Florida trip is still in the works. I plan on calling some hotels and what not this week. I'm super pumped for that. We are aiming for the second week of May. I want to be back in time for May.
Adam and I are wonderful. We don't get to spend as much time together since I work a lot but I get to wake up to his pretty face everyday so I'm happy. I think I'm going to take him on a hot date on my day off and we can spend the day together doing lovey-dovey couple things. yea sounds good. Also we're about to go get some A day to remember tickets so that will definitely make him happy. I love seeing him smile.
I feel good. I'm on a serious upslope, I think.

I start my new job today...
Nervous? you bet I am!

1. Find a job
2. Finish 2 full semesters of school and maintain a high GPA
3. Get a gym membership and actually use it at least 3 times a week
4. See the Pacific ocean
5. Go on at least one vacation
6. SKYDIVE!!!!!
7. Move (either on my own or to another state)
8. Attempt to surf
9. Cage dive with sharks
10. Possibly find a second job


One down 9 more to go..

Ok so a new year approaches and I'm definitely making some changes. Fuck new years resolutions. That shit is over rated and retarded and no one ever sticks to them anyways.. I'm just weeding out the drama and negativity in my life, mainly focused on a few people. I don't need that shit.. I've made up my mind on who I want to be with and if they won't choose to except it, then fuck em.
I'm going to take school a lot more serious and after this semester is over I have to make a decision on whether or not I want to leave this place. I'm starting to realize more and more as each day goes by that it will probably be for the better. There are no opportunities for me here. The only thing that is tying me here is School, Adam, my family and one good friend. (Mr. Sousa you are a great pal. ) I know those people will support me and come visit me wherever I end up. :) And I can pick up where I left off on school any day.
I have to find a job. I will be looking non stop until I find one. I don't even care if it's 5 hours a week. I need some form of income to support myself because shit is really starting to get hard. Not just for me but for my parents as well.
2009 has probably been the worst year of my life. Only one good thing happened this year and he's sleeping next to me in my bed. :) I definitely will not miss 2009. This coming year i'm going to be keeping myself busy and make the best of it. I have Adam, my family and a few good friends by my side, that's all I need. some cash in my pocket would be nice but until then, Everyone else, and 2009 can suck it.

What the fuck does everyone want from me?

I seriously try and try to make people happy... I give and give but I still get NOTHING in return.

fuck this shit. I'm done!

Last night was an epic failure all the way around.
I should have just listened to my gut and stayed home. *sight*

I'm in the mood to clean hardcore. gut my basement, finish it and move my shit down there. I wish someone would help me that knows what they're doing... If I had the slightest idea the shit would have been done already. I have a bunch of artsy fartsy shit I want to do but I'm putting it on hold because I've been saying I'm going to finish that first. When I get in these moods there's no stopping me. I'm like a tornado, but instead of making a mess I get shit clean lol. Look out! But damn Damn, I'm soo overwhelmed. I could scream.


I wrestled a bear once, was last night, well Monday and it was fucking awesome. I have so much respect for that band after seeing them live. Mad love for krysta. She's a BAMF. I usually hate chick singers (except a few) because the music behind it sucks and the only appeal to the band is a hot chick on vocals but yea they fucking rule. I'm all about everything she stands for and it's awesome. I got to take a picture with her and Amber to but I will not post it because all 3 of us look like complete shit. I got my ass beat at that show. Best one I've been to in a very long time.

I haven't checked my grades yet. I don't think I'm going to. I'm scared.

But I think I'm goimg to go back to my basement and see what I can do.
I feel like it's going to be a long day.. I slept for the better half of the day today and now I'm wide awake. Mountain dew is my best friend right now.

Ok I have been awake for wayyyy too long. Hysteria and panic are starting to set in, I can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time and shit is just crazy. I'm beyond the point of being tired. I'm wide awake and I hate it.
I've been thinking a lot as to why I bother putting my energy into certain people/things. I care way to much and always put my needs last. Even if said person/thing isn't good for me I still try to do everything I can to make things better. I should just give up. As much as I want to, there is some defect in my brain that won't allow me. I have to make sure I've done everything I can to change things even though I know the outcome will end up the same.
In the end every person or thing I love ends up leaving me and that kind of sucks.

I desperatly need to take a mental health day soon.
No people.
No internet.
No phone.
Just me and my thoughts.

I'm on an upslope I think.
Although some things are lacking, things are starting to look up.

The new year is almost here and I'm going to do things differently this time around...
For real. I'm going to pick up the slack with school and find a fucking job! I'm going to fix my life and not be so depressed all the time.

It's time to move forward. I'm not looking back.

I got everything off my chest and I feel so much better.

There are no cheating consequences, Eventually everything catches up to us.
We may get around them for awhile but they find us and usually put us in a
situation worse than if we just faced the music in the first place.
It's funny how life works out, we're set in motion from birth and every
moment we are faced with decisions which decide the next direction we take.
There are so many different scenarios for every situation and sometimes we
don't pick the right one. Which in turn leaves us with a smudge or a
mistake in our past. We often think about all the other possible ways of
going about such an event and they all run through our brain. Sometimes
we feel regret and sometimes we have no remorse. But although some of these
things we wish we could change or go about differently, changing them
would change the entire course that we took after these so called mistakes.
Like I said; every moment decides what our next direction is, so fixing a
moment would chamge the direction we took and this would change the destination,
the next moment we come to, and so on and so on which then would change
the person we are today. Look in the mirror. Do you really wish to do so?
We're strong, we're smarter, we made it through some torturous weather,
we're more confident and yes probally more insecure and shy but just know
there is a reason for such attributes we posess. Every scar, every wrinkle,
and every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears our bodies have expierienced are
monuments of courage or cowardliness or naivety or insecurity or whatever
you see when you look at yourself or think back to the inner battles of
your past. But just know there is nothing to be ashamed of becaue you learned
from it all whether it left you bruised or broken or so sick or mad at
yourself. You are here. You are you. Regrets are worthless.

Life is a funny thing. And it just keeps getting weirder. I just keep assuming that things are going the way they are for me because the world has something in store for me that will be worth this journey.

Hello Lj land.
I haven't updated in a while so I'll share what's going on in my life.
Basically.
school started last week. so far so good. My german class is awesome, or should I say fantastich gut! I love it. My teacher is a hoot. Math, eh. I hate Math so NOTHING about that class excites me. I still need to get my books though. Paperwork is taking way to long to go through. Besides that I haven't been doing much. I've been pulled over twice in the last week, but no tickets so that is good. I'm supposed to go over Jay's tomorrow night and help clean his apartment of doom and possibly help him pack a few things up. He doesn't have to leave his apartment until the 31st but he has so much crap that it's going to take that long. Also, knowing him he'll wait to the last minute without my help and it will just be a disaster. Not to mention that apartment hasn't actually been seriously cleaned since he moved in and that was like 2 years ago. It's never been moped or anything so I'm afraid of what's lerking behind the furniture. I'm going to have to get my hazmat suit on and go to town.
Speaking of cleaning, i need to really get to work on my own living quarters. My room is kind of a disaster.. and it's all clothes. I need more space to put things. I have 3 huge laundry baskets full of clean clothes plus my two dressers and closet. I still somehow never have anything to wear though. lol. i need to figure out something soon or I'm not going to be able to see my floor soon.
I've been racking my brain for the last couple of hours trying to come up with some designs for t-shirts and what not but I'm coming up empty. I actually shouldn't say that because I have a ton of ideas, but for some reason when I draw them they come out wrong. I hate that.
I was actually in the mood to paint today and Clint has all the painting supplies so I couldn't. hopefully the next time I'm feeling creative I'll be at his house. I also need to get my dreadfalls back from Rin so I can finish them. I've neglected them for too long and I really want to wear them soon.
I wish there were more hours in a day or more days in the week. Maybe then I could get done half of the things I need to.
I'm going to end this here since I'm rambling and it's 5:30 am and I haven't slept yet. I'll try to update more.
Gute Nact.

i can't believe how fast this year is flying by. I start school in 10 days, and I'm absolutely not ready. ugh.

I am overwhelmed.

I am having one of those days where you feel like you could cry at any moment, even though you aren't sad.

As much as I want to explain, spill my heart in a flurry of paragraphs & run-on sentences, something tells me it's better to keep it inside. Sometimes sadness that's undeterminded, blurred around the edges, is better left contained.

I need a new obsession...

Why is it that I suddenly get a really creative idea right before I go to sleep? It never fails...

I absolutely cannot wait to take my CNA test so I can get a job. I really need to move out! Don't get me wrong though, my parents are great, it's my brother and sister I cannot put up with any longer. My sister constantly takes my shit and leaves it places. Plus she's a mega-bitch. You cannot have a conversation with her without her being a jerk. It's kind of rediculous. And as for my brother, he just got his license so he begs me to use my car or he'll take it when I'm asleep. Then he gets all pissy when I don't let him use it. Sorry, but that's MY car. I really don't feel like having to worry about it or have him run all my gas out.
AHHHH! 2 weeks.
Anyways if you're wondering, my life lately is wonderful.
I've been spending a lot of time with my family doing various outdoor activites, and I've gotten a little tan going on and i'm pretty excited about it.
Amber and I still aren't talking and I'm ok with that.
I don't think I'm still going to dude, where's my tent anymore. People are unreliable. I'm no longer inviting anyone to go anywhere with me because they always bail at the last minute. However, I will be going Cedar Point sometime soon and Put-In-Bay as soon as Heather turns 21. I'm pretty excited to go there since I've never been. I also need to plan a day at the zoo and a day for tubing/knee boarding. Oh boy I love summer weather.

These last couple of days have been supreme suck. I've had a really bad cold since friday night, and today I'm finally feeling better. I think I probably slept for 60 hours this entire weekend.
Saturday I took Benny to the vet and he's doing way better! The vet said that it's more than likely not seizures and it was probably just a bacteria infection of some sort. She gave him some antibiotics and told us to just keep a close eye on him. He's back to himself now. I'm so relieved.
Sunday I did absolutly nothing because I couldn't even get out of bed.
Yesterday (Monday) Brandon and I were supposed to go to the junk yard to try to find a window for my car but decided to put it off until today because it was about to rain. Later in the evening I ended up going to necto, with Jeremy and Amanda. Lot's of fun was had, even though I just kind of wamdered around. I didn't feel like dancing or anything so I just kicked it in the drum and bass room and got crunk.
Today Brandon and I set out to some Junk yards to try to find a window but we had no luck. They had tons of grand-ams, but they were all older models so they wouldn't work. The one that we seen that would have worked didn't have a drivers window. I'm going to have to go the more expensive route and get one made. *sigh* Luckily Brandon Parker is my hero and he's going to install i won't have to pay installation fees which is a plus.
Tonight I'm going to be going downtown and watching the wings game. Hopefully we win!
I've been thinking about trying to put a camping trip together for a while, since it's finally getting warm enough and I came across this today and it seems like it would be a lot of fun. Its like a demf but with tents. If you want to go let me know.

DUDE WHERE'S MY TENT?
Hosted By:
DIRTY BEATZ PRODUCTIONS & FLIPSIDE ENTERTAINMENT

When:
Jul 17, 18, 19, 2009 12:00 PM

Where:
Willow's Ranch
95 60th st
Lacota, MI
49056


Dirty Beatz Productions and Flipside Entertainment have teamed up to bring you the party of the summer. You dont want to miss this!!! Dude Where's My Tent Camp Out Party! July 17-18-19, 2009 Gate opens at noon on friday and Music starts at 3 PM 2 stages, 60 DJ's and 3 days of peace, love and filthy Beatz.

FREE CAMPING, FREE SHOWERS, ALSO FOOD AND OTHER AMENITIES WILL BE AVAILABLE ON SITE. This is a LEAVE NO TRACE event! Please pack out what you pack in.... You can BYOB, but absolutely NO GLASS, NO DRUGS, NO ANIMALS, NO WEAPONS, and NO BAD VIBES. Feel free to camp out at this event especially if you are drinking.. P.L.U.R and R.O.A.R will be in full effect.

Tickets Available Locally: Please send a message to the Dirty Beatz Productions myspace page and we will set you up with one of our local distributors. Online WWW.THEFLIPSIDEENTERTAINMENT.COM Early Bird Tickets: $20 Until June 16th. Pre Sale Tickets: $25 June 17th - July 16th. At the Gate: $30

That dog is seriously the love of my life. I don't think any one thing means more to me than he does. when he's happy I'm happy, and when he's in pain I feel it and right now we're both in a lot of pain. He's only 6 years old and he has a ton of problems. He has pretty bad allergies in the spring and fall. He's extremly allergic to fleas and get's them almost seasonally even though we keep him on medication to prevent it. he has a cataract forming on his left eye that he's had since he was 1 or 2. He gets ear infections constantly and has a sensitive stomach so if you give him the wrong thing he will throw up. Those are all pretty normal things that we've gotten used to over the years but for the last 2 nights he's been acting very strange. Every now and then he will mope around and act like he's sick, but he usually snaps out of it withing a couple hours. now it's been 2 days and he's showing no sign of getting any better. He's restless and keeps me up at night. His facial muscles start having spasms randomly and if you go to pet him on the head he twitches almost like the way someone with tourettes has a tick. I'm thinking he might be having mini seizures. He's also been hacking occasionally and it's pretty scary to hear. He's really depressed. you can tell he's in pain.
I honestly don't know what to do. We just took him to the vet and the vet gave him anitbiotics about a week ago. I'm about to take him again in about an hour but I'm really scared because I have a bad feeling that it's going to be something too serious or too late to get any kind of treatment. plus I really cannot afford to have a major surgery and what not so he would have to be put down. He's only 6 and i'm selfish so I don't want to let him go, but I cannot and will not sit around and watch him suffer if it's someting bad. I hope that I'm just over reacting though and that it's really nothing.
I really need to stop worrying.. I have a million things to do today and haven't been to sleep yet. ugh. First on the list is to get my windows replaced since last weekend some asshole kids decided to smash it out while it was parked in front of my house. Seriously who does that? For no reason at all? ugh.

ok goodbye LJ land.